consider yourself very lucky that anyone cared about your mental health . I had bulimia for decades and i thought I
was hiding it well but as it turns out everyone in my family knew. I was desperate for help but no one said a word. I finally stopped but no thanks to anyone. it is a very humiliating disease snd shameful about which to talk even today.
It's unfortunate you didn't get help from loved ones when you needed it the most. I celebrate your courage and determination that helped you overcome your disease and get well. It's something to be proud of.
I am one of those moms to several adult children with mental illness or addiction problems. Thank you for this. At times, I too must step away, even while always ‘on call’ for a crisis. It is a lot, but not being there would be worse.
I just finished your book. I think of you and pray you are well. I also want you to know, I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. May she rest in peace.
Insightful piece, Sarah. It offers a perspective that only amplifies the empathy we can hope to feel for others with chronic health conditions, and their caretakers. There's a lot of nuance in your essay; that delicate way of giving grace to your mother/caretaker as a way to give back and heal your relationship together.
I am so sorry your relationship with your mother deteriorated through the experience.
Your writing is very brave, and I appreciate how you’re bringing perspective and light to this topic.
I wonder if this reflection is being kind of hard on yourself, though.
Caregivers - those that aren’t paid - choose to care, miraculously, and often out of love. Which is a mysterious thing.
When you claim responsibility, and seemingly guilt, for your mother’s own decline in mental health - that seems to have been triggered by yours, albeit to a lesser degree, from what you’ve shared - it implies a generalization that others do, or should, as well.
I think this may be kind of unfair, both to yourself and others who struggle - and to your mom’s agency, for that matter - & it pours fuel on the already raging stigma against those handed diagnoses of mental illness.
Perhaps placing less blame and guilt or shame on yourself - and others who struggle -, and instead pouring a whole heaping lot of self-compassion, and compassion, on the struggles of everyone involved, could better help to stop these wildfires of stigma that perpetuate suffering all around.
I appreciate your vulnerability, and offer my comments not to attack or criticize, but to promote compassion and justice for everyone involved, and to honor the truth and mystery of love that can surround choices to care.
That your mother has passed before your relationship could fully heal and recover is heartbreaking. I can imagine how that kind of pain might feel unbearable. Thank you for writing through it with us. Wishing you peace & wholeness. May her memory bring blessings.
Why would you give voice to the ignorant opinion, "...what some consider the worst policy change in the history of mental health care in the United States: deinstitutionalization."? Are you creating drama so you can sell your products to the mass majority, who likely do not know much about mental health policy? The Community Mental Health Policy and planning of the 1970s and 80s were humane and realistic. The failure, as you explain later in your article, was indeed based on inadequate funding. Voters lack the information to elect the best candidates; and elected officials often divide their focus between supporting what they believe are the best policies for the long-run and doing what will get them re-elected in a few years.
Few elected policy makers take the risks to both create and effectively promote the very best long-range policies. The courageous and righteous Kennedys did indeed do the latter (based on the Wyatt vs. Stikney Case, 1971, Tuscaloosa, Al.) Many Community Mental Health systems were created and they innovated community-based interventions like Crisis Intervention; Suicide Prevention; and Police partnerships with mental health providers. Neither the Kennedys nor thier influential allies could prevent erosion of funds for the Community Mental Health movement, regardless of the early successes.
Qualifying myself: in the early 1970s I helped build our Community Mental Health System in Western New York and have been proud of the outcomes; also I had the privilege of working on community projects with Jack Drake, one of the plaintiff attorneys that brought patient Wyatt's lawsuit against Stikney and the State of Alabama.
Please continue advocating for evidence based mental health practice, Ms Fay, and for the best systems. And please build a win-win tone, toning-down the dramatic rhetoric.
So special to have these times with her.. to visit an art museum, despite things not being “perfect” (whatever that is)
Your Mom loved you. So much. Mothers do that, I know. I’m sure it was difficult for her to draw a boundary strong enough to verbalize she needed a bit of time. Yet, you got there. She got to see you and know you were stable. She got to witness your healing, and she was finally able to exhale from the worry she put on herself. (Mothers do that too).
As imperfect as my Mom was, and as highly as everyone thought of her, I miss her too.
Pull her closer inside your heart, then listen and you will know how she would answer your questions. Her legacy lives in you.
This is article divine timing for me. My father has severe mental health problems back in the 80s (manic depression) and my mum was his main care giver who also had to look after myself and my brother. This crisis happened for 6 years from the moment I was born. This culminated in his suicide when I was 6 and my brother was 8. The impact has stayed with us all until this day , I am 46.
Fast forward to my teenage years and I became the one my mother had to 'watch'. My own mental health hitting crisis when I was in my early 40s. I made my own suicide attempt and was hospitalised for a week. I couldn't understand why my mum couldn't cope. I thought she should have understood more than anyone. I later understood and carry that guilt with me today.
Thankfully will lots of support from a wonderful therapist I considered myself healed .
My mum has just this last week has had a severe stroke and I'm not sure whether she will make it but the damage has been done. I tell her everyday how lucky I am to have had her and how much I love her. Whether she lives or dies she needs peace now.
Thank you for your beautiful writing, together we are healing ❤️
When sb loses a parent, especially a mom, it'a as if there's a hole that can never be filled. My parents are still alive, and the only thing I do a lot is learning from them as much as possible (The relationship between me and my dad is at times stressful, because our thought systems and personalities are very similar [Unfortunately, both of us are stubborn to some extent. You can understand the rest]). My mom understands me much better, and I can't imagine how I'm gonna live if she dies one day.
This was a beautiful and moving chapter. Thank you Sarah for sharing this. I listened to it and your reading it was especially moving. It reminded me a little of "The Center Cannot Hold" by Elyn Saks. The personal journey that you share both here and in "Pathological", navigating through the mental healthcare system, interleaved with a discussion on the history of mental healthcare in the US is very powerful. Saks' book contrasts the differences she experienced in mental hospitals in the UK (fully voluntary) with those in the US (involuntary, under restraint). That was shocking to me. Something is really wrong here.
Thank you, Sarah, for sharing this part of your story. Grief is complex, as you demonstrated here, and it happens even before, or without, a literal death occurring. I'm also struck by the fraught mother-daughter relationship, since I am currently navigating this strange middle place of being stuck between both my mother and my daughter who have been diagnosed with OCD. Thanks for shining the light on the complexities surrounding psychological diagnoses.
consider yourself very lucky that anyone cared about your mental health . I had bulimia for decades and i thought I
was hiding it well but as it turns out everyone in my family knew. I was desperate for help but no one said a word. I finally stopped but no thanks to anyone. it is a very humiliating disease snd shameful about which to talk even today.
It's unfortunate you didn't get help from loved ones when you needed it the most. I celebrate your courage and determination that helped you overcome your disease and get well. It's something to be proud of.
thank you
I am one of those moms to several adult children with mental illness or addiction problems. Thank you for this. At times, I too must step away, even while always ‘on call’ for a crisis. It is a lot, but not being there would be worse.
I just finished your book. I think of you and pray you are well. I also want you to know, I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. May she rest in peace.
Insightful piece, Sarah. It offers a perspective that only amplifies the empathy we can hope to feel for others with chronic health conditions, and their caretakers. There's a lot of nuance in your essay; that delicate way of giving grace to your mother/caretaker as a way to give back and heal your relationship together.
I am so sorry your relationship with your mother deteriorated through the experience.
Your writing is very brave, and I appreciate how you’re bringing perspective and light to this topic.
I wonder if this reflection is being kind of hard on yourself, though.
Caregivers - those that aren’t paid - choose to care, miraculously, and often out of love. Which is a mysterious thing.
When you claim responsibility, and seemingly guilt, for your mother’s own decline in mental health - that seems to have been triggered by yours, albeit to a lesser degree, from what you’ve shared - it implies a generalization that others do, or should, as well.
I think this may be kind of unfair, both to yourself and others who struggle - and to your mom’s agency, for that matter - & it pours fuel on the already raging stigma against those handed diagnoses of mental illness.
Perhaps placing less blame and guilt or shame on yourself - and others who struggle -, and instead pouring a whole heaping lot of self-compassion, and compassion, on the struggles of everyone involved, could better help to stop these wildfires of stigma that perpetuate suffering all around.
I appreciate your vulnerability, and offer my comments not to attack or criticize, but to promote compassion and justice for everyone involved, and to honor the truth and mystery of love that can surround choices to care.
That your mother has passed before your relationship could fully heal and recover is heartbreaking. I can imagine how that kind of pain might feel unbearable. Thank you for writing through it with us. Wishing you peace & wholeness. May her memory bring blessings.
✨🕊️❤️🩹🕊️✨
Why would you give voice to the ignorant opinion, "...what some consider the worst policy change in the history of mental health care in the United States: deinstitutionalization."? Are you creating drama so you can sell your products to the mass majority, who likely do not know much about mental health policy? The Community Mental Health Policy and planning of the 1970s and 80s were humane and realistic. The failure, as you explain later in your article, was indeed based on inadequate funding. Voters lack the information to elect the best candidates; and elected officials often divide their focus between supporting what they believe are the best policies for the long-run and doing what will get them re-elected in a few years.
Few elected policy makers take the risks to both create and effectively promote the very best long-range policies. The courageous and righteous Kennedys did indeed do the latter (based on the Wyatt vs. Stikney Case, 1971, Tuscaloosa, Al.) Many Community Mental Health systems were created and they innovated community-based interventions like Crisis Intervention; Suicide Prevention; and Police partnerships with mental health providers. Neither the Kennedys nor thier influential allies could prevent erosion of funds for the Community Mental Health movement, regardless of the early successes.
Qualifying myself: in the early 1970s I helped build our Community Mental Health System in Western New York and have been proud of the outcomes; also I had the privilege of working on community projects with Jack Drake, one of the plaintiff attorneys that brought patient Wyatt's lawsuit against Stikney and the State of Alabama.
Please continue advocating for evidence based mental health practice, Ms Fay, and for the best systems. And please build a win-win tone, toning-down the dramatic rhetoric.
So special to have these times with her.. to visit an art museum, despite things not being “perfect” (whatever that is)
Your Mom loved you. So much. Mothers do that, I know. I’m sure it was difficult for her to draw a boundary strong enough to verbalize she needed a bit of time. Yet, you got there. She got to see you and know you were stable. She got to witness your healing, and she was finally able to exhale from the worry she put on herself. (Mothers do that too).
As imperfect as my Mom was, and as highly as everyone thought of her, I miss her too.
Pull her closer inside your heart, then listen and you will know how she would answer your questions. Her legacy lives in you.
This is article divine timing for me. My father has severe mental health problems back in the 80s (manic depression) and my mum was his main care giver who also had to look after myself and my brother. This crisis happened for 6 years from the moment I was born. This culminated in his suicide when I was 6 and my brother was 8. The impact has stayed with us all until this day , I am 46.
Fast forward to my teenage years and I became the one my mother had to 'watch'. My own mental health hitting crisis when I was in my early 40s. I made my own suicide attempt and was hospitalised for a week. I couldn't understand why my mum couldn't cope. I thought she should have understood more than anyone. I later understood and carry that guilt with me today.
Thankfully will lots of support from a wonderful therapist I considered myself healed .
My mum has just this last week has had a severe stroke and I'm not sure whether she will make it but the damage has been done. I tell her everyday how lucky I am to have had her and how much I love her. Whether she lives or dies she needs peace now.
Thank you for your beautiful writing, together we are healing ❤️
When sb loses a parent, especially a mom, it'a as if there's a hole that can never be filled. My parents are still alive, and the only thing I do a lot is learning from them as much as possible (The relationship between me and my dad is at times stressful, because our thought systems and personalities are very similar [Unfortunately, both of us are stubborn to some extent. You can understand the rest]). My mom understands me much better, and I can't imagine how I'm gonna live if she dies one day.
I so enjoyed Pathological!
This was a beautiful and moving chapter. Thank you Sarah for sharing this. I listened to it and your reading it was especially moving. It reminded me a little of "The Center Cannot Hold" by Elyn Saks. The personal journey that you share both here and in "Pathological", navigating through the mental healthcare system, interleaved with a discussion on the history of mental healthcare in the US is very powerful. Saks' book contrasts the differences she experienced in mental hospitals in the UK (fully voluntary) with those in the US (involuntary, under restraint). That was shocking to me. Something is really wrong here.
Thank you, Sarah, for sharing this part of your story. Grief is complex, as you demonstrated here, and it happens even before, or without, a literal death occurring. I'm also struck by the fraught mother-daughter relationship, since I am currently navigating this strange middle place of being stuck between both my mother and my daughter who have been diagnosed with OCD. Thanks for shining the light on the complexities surrounding psychological diagnoses.