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Kaylee Guise's avatar

I can definitely offer insight on this article versus my admittedly scathing criticism on the last. I'm at least a bit sorry about that. Anyhow, I was diagnosed with panic disorder and agoraphobia when I was 13. By the time I was 15 I had also developed severe depression and began the revolving-door-style trips in and out of inpatient psych wards, sometimes in handcuffs and chauffeured by police, and sometimes with my parents. As an adult I've continued this to some extent though with less frequency.

Last year I did a residential treatment program, a PHP, and an IOP. From the time I was 15 and until now I have tried every SSRI and SNRI, and I recently tried a Parkinson's drug called amantadine which is used off-label for treatment resistant depression. In 2021 I did TMS, and I've been in therapy with few gaps since I was 16. And in September I had my third psychological evaluation and was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD, both of which had been suspected for years now.

I'm turning 27 in a few days, and my symptoms have never gone into any kind of "remission" or "mild" state. It now meets the diagnostic criteria for major, persistent, and treatment resistant depression. I don't really get panic attacks or agoraphobia anymore, but I have high levels of anxiety related to socializing. Isolating due to depression obviously hasn't helped that.

I speak only from my perspective on this, but I stopped wanting to put the work into recovery when I decided it wasn't worth it anymore. This happened extremely early. I have always been very cognizant of current events, politics, disasters around the world, and any type of injustice, to which I am extremely sensitive to.

I grew up on the internet, more or less. I started using Facebook when I was 13 and added on Twitter and Tumblr when they were brand new, as well as Instagram and Snapchat. I met friends online who were in similar situations as me; mentally ill and/or ostracized by their parents due to their sexual orientation, gender identity, or other personality traits deemed unacceptable by society.

A lot of us in these communities had been bullied, myself included, for such things. And I've never met anyone who received proper help from their school about that, again, myself included. I was able to go online and either consume a lot of incredible knowledge and entertainment, or I could also look at the entire world at once and feel a sense of impending doom, like it was all just slowly crumbling around us and nobody in charge was bothering to fix it.

Basically, online, I found solace. But I also learned a lot about the world's unfairness, awfulness, and cruelty. It wasn't long after I got depressed that my thoughts began to twist this perspective into an all-encompassing worldly view. And I was hardly the only one. I definitely experienced more than a few suicides or deaths of young people that were present in these spaces and then suddenly disappeared. In my community, while I was in school, 4 students in various grade levels died by suicide. I wish I could say I want to have hope in the world and humanity or that "deep down" I don't really believe the world is so bad, but I don't. I really don't see a future for myself, at least not one that's worth living. I've been passively suicidal for almost the entire time I've been depressed. I'm heavily monitored by my therapist, with whom I meet with every week.

I'm almost 27 and didn't go to college (rather, I dropped out three separate times in the first semester), I've had around 30 jobs in eight years, and my credit score is starting to drop because I've run out of money to pay back things like student loans and medical debt. And now I've started to have some serious medical issues like pulmonary embolisms and a possible autoimmune disorder or some kind of blood disease.

These are all things about my personal circumstances that can and should be worked around, but every day I wake up and I look at myself (I don't value myself at all) and I look at the world through the screen of my phone (which is a total sh*tshow) and I talk to my friends who are all on some level of burnout or mental illness, and I wonder "Why?"

Why bother working through all of my baggage, why bother pursuing anything if I don't even have the confidence I can brush my teeth more than once a week, why bother hoping for recovery when I've tried so many treatments and nothing has actually worked? Everything these days is met with a resounding why. "We should brush our teeth." "Why?" "It's good for our oral health." "So?" It goes like that with every little thing, it's been this way for a couple years now. I didn't always used to struggle so much with ADLs and that fact alone tells me things have gotten worse.

I want to feel better. Obviously. Everybody wants to feel better when they feel like sh*t. But maybe in this world it's easier to stay feeling like sh*t and that way I can avoid more disappointment, especially because whenever I have a week or two of feeling "okay" I always end up nosediving again. That way I can continue to stare the tragedies in the world head on instead of putting on the blinders as so many therapists and therapeutic strategies in CBT are just dying for us to do.

One thing that really gets me upset is willful ignorance: when people look away from things or choose not to learn about things that will make them feel upset or that contradicts their optimistic beliefs. Well, I refuse to look away. I will not lie to myself in order to treat my depression when many of the reasons I am depressed are things I can't control in society and in the world. Somebody on Reddit said "Recovery from depression feels like being brainwashed." They summed up what I've felt since the beginning of my journey.

I've tried to figure out how to express that this whole issue with young people and mental health isn't just about diagnoses, but about hope and purpose and a general lack of those two things, but I've never been able to figure out how except by explaining my own experiences.

I was going to do some mental health advocacy work with the residential program I did, basically do a video interview and stuff, but I knew I couldn't. I'm no better than I was last fall, and the hospital I went to has a large number of what I refer to as "revolving door patients" i.e., we always end up back there, myself included, so actually is the hospital truly getting people into permanent recovery or are they just creating customers? It's hard to say. Not to mention on certain websites like NAMI or SAMHSA or even in this article you posted, they all talk about the people who get better after a short time and the people who never struggle with their diagnoses again.

But what about all the people who seek out these resources and they've already had their illnesses and been suffering for five, ten, twenty, fifty years? I think we feel a little forgotten and left out of the data. But I get it. We're not good examples. Placing something like "some people never get better or suffer for decades" on a mental health website is hardly a beacon of hope. So I think the people who don't get better are purposely left out for that reason. We're just kind of existing, and trying to stay alive for some arbitrary reasons, like not hurting those who love us or for our pets or something like that.

If you ever want to seek out the perspectives of people who feel similarly to me, there are subreddits on Reddit called r/depression and r/SuicideWatch. Even I try not to consume the content there in large amounts because it's very, well, depressing, but sometimes people say really honest and profound things that tend to get us punished if we say them in real life, or chastised by a well meaning therapist.

I'm also sorry this is so freaking long, but I guess that's what you get for telling me to check out part 2 of this topic 😅

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