So well expressed. Suicidality is very much the ‘I just want this to stop’ feeling of nothingness. We want to be “better” but can no longer see this possibility.
It’s a loop our brains can get into that makes no sense when observed from far away. Ending the pain sadly removes our ability to heal. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Concrete step by step plans are essential to all of us who reach a place where we are not thinking clearly. I want to hug Dr R. For showing you the pathway out of the woods.
It’s not easy, but it’s there.
You’ve walked this, Dear Sarah, and are a light glowing with the possibility of health for any who are in those horrid loops.
The key is to not believe everything we think. And to ask, what if I’m wrong? Then go thru the plan back to clearer thinking. Not easy, but possible.
I hope you always continue to share your story Sarah. It has already and will continue to save many lives.
You're so wise, Teyani. So wise. I love everything you said here. It's making me tear up. I hope I'm doing this: "You’ve walked this, Dear Sarah, and are a light glowing with the possibility of health for any who are in those horrid loops."
And this was absolutely it for me: "The key is to not believe everything we think. And to ask, what if I’m wrong? Then go thru the plan back to clearer thinking. Not easy, but possible."
When I think of what you're going through--though it's different--I know you know this deeply.
Sarah- your story is a beautiful contribution to such an important conversation. I received my copy of ‘Pathological’ last week and cannot wait to dig in. Thank you for sharing your heart and your experience.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. At any age, suicide is so complex. The families definitely have it the hardest. Thank you for reading. I hope it helps a bit.
This is powerful stuff. I'm not at all surprised that your panic symptoms increased in the IKEA store. They are specially designed to cut off avenues of escape, become your whole world and force you to walk through every display area to leave. For anyone with sensory problems they are torture.
Miranda, I love this: "I'm not at all surprised that your panic symptoms increased in the IKEA store." And I had no idea they're designed that way. How manipulative. I know grocery stores do this, but because they're set up like displays of living areas complete with walls, it's (pun intended) maddening.
Written before I acquired a Swedish son-in-law, and semi-Swedish grandchild, but I think he would have laughed more than anybody. He has ADHD like me, ironically since my daughter grumbled all through her teens that she was the only neurotypical person in our whole family. One of his most amusing impulsive actions was to change his middle name to Bombast’s. It had never occurred to him that this would affect booking airline tickets and she had zero sympathy with him, she made him pay 1000SK (about $120) to get it sorted out.
This is painful but also so very relatable to me. I also had an enormous panic attack the one and only time I was in Ikea. It was strikingly similar to the one you described. It's an important distinction you make about the difference between clinical and personal healing. These three pillars are indeed revolutionary, and it took me five decades and nine therapists before this understanding finally began to dawn:
"...recovery centers on three basic principles: improving health, living a self-directed life, and striving to reach our full potential. These may sound like self-help platitudes, but they’re revolutionary to someone who’s only seen themselves as limited, broken, and hopeless."
a powerful essay. thank you.
This left me wanting more. Deeply powerful, Sarah.
Thank you! More coming today!
So well expressed. Suicidality is very much the ‘I just want this to stop’ feeling of nothingness. We want to be “better” but can no longer see this possibility.
It’s a loop our brains can get into that makes no sense when observed from far away. Ending the pain sadly removes our ability to heal. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Concrete step by step plans are essential to all of us who reach a place where we are not thinking clearly. I want to hug Dr R. For showing you the pathway out of the woods.
It’s not easy, but it’s there.
You’ve walked this, Dear Sarah, and are a light glowing with the possibility of health for any who are in those horrid loops.
The key is to not believe everything we think. And to ask, what if I’m wrong? Then go thru the plan back to clearer thinking. Not easy, but possible.
I hope you always continue to share your story Sarah. It has already and will continue to save many lives.
You're so wise, Teyani. So wise. I love everything you said here. It's making me tear up. I hope I'm doing this: "You’ve walked this, Dear Sarah, and are a light glowing with the possibility of health for any who are in those horrid loops."
And this was absolutely it for me: "The key is to not believe everything we think. And to ask, what if I’m wrong? Then go thru the plan back to clearer thinking. Not easy, but possible."
When I think of what you're going through--though it's different--I know you know this deeply.
Sarah- your story is a beautiful contribution to such an important conversation. I received my copy of ‘Pathological’ last week and cannot wait to dig in. Thank you for sharing your heart and your experience.
Sara! So good to see you. I'm so glad you received your copy. And thank you, thank you--for reading, always and for your support.
Written with such raw truth. A powerful journey to share. Thank you. 🙏
Light no mentions
Thank you for this beautiful text. Wise and clear and full of belief in human courage and strength. You’re my angel.
Thank you so much, Alona. So much for reading and being part of this.
Yes…"The families have it the hardest"
My father took his life at 81, and to hear you describe your pain helps me understand a bit more
Thanks for the honesty.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. At any age, suicide is so complex. The families definitely have it the hardest. Thank you for reading. I hope it helps a bit.
Yes, it helps!! Thank you.
This is powerful stuff. I'm not at all surprised that your panic symptoms increased in the IKEA store. They are specially designed to cut off avenues of escape, become your whole world and force you to walk through every display area to leave. For anyone with sensory problems they are torture.
Miranda, I love this: "I'm not at all surprised that your panic symptoms increased in the IKEA store." And I had no idea they're designed that way. How manipulative. I know grocery stores do this, but because they're set up like displays of living areas complete with walls, it's (pun intended) maddening.
I even wrote a skit about it once. Try singing this to the tune of Abba’s Fernando:
I made my entrance through the exit,
I didn’t want to have to park and push my trolley down a ramp,
But getting out of here’s like Brexit,
If I don’t find the checkouts soon I’ll have to stay and set up camp
And all we came for in the first place was some meatballs and a self-assembly lamp.
I thought our love would last a lifetime,
No matter what life tried to throw at us we’d always be okay,
Now I need Ariadne’s lifeline
To make it through three hours in Ashton-under-Lyme on Saturday,
And if I see that set of tables one more time I’m gonna make somebody pay.
Don’t you ever bring me here again,
I’m going insane
IKEA
What kind of sadist would design this place?
I just can’t face IKEA
Next time we’re going to get it from John Lewis
And sod the price,
Got the feeling I’ve been here before
I hate this store.
IKEA
Someone tell me what I have to do,
I need the loo,
IKEA.
(repeat ad infinitum)
Oh, Miranda! So good. This: “And all we came for in the first place was some meatballs and a self-assembly lamp.”
Written before I acquired a Swedish son-in-law, and semi-Swedish grandchild, but I think he would have laughed more than anybody. He has ADHD like me, ironically since my daughter grumbled all through her teens that she was the only neurotypical person in our whole family. One of his most amusing impulsive actions was to change his middle name to Bombast’s. It had never occurred to him that this would affect booking airline tickets and she had zero sympathy with him, she made him pay 1000SK (about $120) to get it sorted out.
This is painful but also so very relatable to me. I also had an enormous panic attack the one and only time I was in Ikea. It was strikingly similar to the one you described. It's an important distinction you make about the difference between clinical and personal healing. These three pillars are indeed revolutionary, and it took me five decades and nine therapists before this understanding finally began to dawn:
"...recovery centers on three basic principles: improving health, living a self-directed life, and striving to reach our full potential. These may sound like self-help platitudes, but they’re revolutionary to someone who’s only seen themselves as limited, broken, and hopeless."
Thank you for sharing your powerful writing.